Does God Love Women?

The following letter was written by a member of the LDS church who is currently in a leadership calling. It was intended to be sent to her stake President, but which has not been sent for personal reasons. She writes and speaks with power, and I feel her comments below likely represent the unspoken voices of many sleeping female powerhouses in the LDS church, who simply have no forum for voicing their true thoughts and emotions. My hope in sharing her remarks with you is to help create awareness of the justified depth of emotion of a Mormon woman near you. And if you are that woman, perhaps you will not feel alone, or may even feel a spark of courage to stand and let your voice be heard.

My sincere thanks to my new friend, for letting me share this peice of her heart – a piece which really touched mine.

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I have a question. I do not mean this question to be flippant or passive aggressive in any way. This past year has been the most excruciatingly painful year of my life as I’ve contemplated this question. Please recognize that I put my tender heart in your hands and ask you to sincerely think about the question before you write it off as a non-issue. My question: Does God love women as much as men and if so, why doesn’t the church reflect that? I realize there are many talks and statements from leaders of this church (the church I have loved my whole life) that beautifully express that women are loved and valued. However, I would argue that actions speak louder than words every single time. I do not feel seen, valued or loved in this church in ways that my heart and mind NEED! I often wonder why things are the way they are. Is it coming from God or is it coming from man? And if this church is truly directed by God, and God does actually love me perfectly- why doesn’t He fight for me and all the other women who are hurt by statements, policies and doctrines that pain our hearts? 

As I have contemplated this painful question, I realized that women have been treated as “less than” in the church in the past, present and even the future (according to current doctrines, policies and quotes by General Authorities that have never been refuted or disavowed). I don’t know what to do with that. I have loved this church my whole life, but I love myself too. I also cherish my four daughters and I want better for them. Sometimes I wonder if God loves me considering all my flaws, doubts, and sins. But somehow I KNOW He loves my daughters. When they were placed in my arms as newborn babies, I felt that love. How, then, can they be treated the way they are simply based on their gender? I get that this world is a fallen world. Women have been abused, used, dominated and minimized for most of history. But this is God’s church, isn’t it? Shouldn’t things be different here? Why do the men of this church have such dominion over women in ways that make no sense to me and when is any dominion righteous dominion?

Sometimes people can’t see why some women feel unloved, unseen and unheard in the church. I’d like to share a few examples that illustrate how males dominate and have control over almost everything in this church. Our church manuals are male-centric. It seems unacceptable that today we ask women to teach women from books that are almost exclusively the thoughts of men.  It is males we pray to and pray through. It is males that preside at the pulpit and officiate in all ordinances. It is males (almost always) whose portraits hang on the wall. They don’t even carry pictures of women leadership at the Distribution Center or Deseret Book so you need to find them and print them yourselves if you want them. It is males who make all major decisions and pronounce every doctrine and policy from church headquarters. It is males we worship in song (did you know the ratio of male gender-specific language to female gender-specific language is 147-2 in our hymnal?) The scriptures are obviously male-centric. The Old Testament, Book of Mormon and D&C are by FAR mostly about men. Thankfully Jesus, our ever perfect example, spoke more of women in the New Testament than in any other scripture. 

On the note of scriptures,  I need to address the single most painful scripture in history. Please consider how women should feel reading chapter 132 in the Doctrine and Covenants which STILL states that if a man “desire” to marry more “virgins” he is free to do so. And “If he have ten virgins given unto him by this law, he can not commit adultery, for they belong to him, and they are given unto him, therefore he is justified.” (D&C 132:62)   And if his wife does not consent to her husband marrying and having sex with more women, she is the transgressor and will be “destroyed” (verse 64) and her husband is free to do it without her consent. Additionally,  if any of those ten virgins was to marry or have sex with another man, she is committing adultery and shall be “destroyed” (verse 63). I get that polygamy is not condoned on earth now but why isn’t there a statement made about this chapter and it’s terrible message to and about women. I see polygamy as the worst and most painful example of how women were (and are) treated and valued in this church And unfortunately our scriptures, many quotes from General Authorities, and current policies still cling to polygamy in ways that absolutely destroy me. 

The practice and treatment of women under the laws of polygamy clearly make me feel that the value of women is not equal to men. Sadly, I believe policies and doctrine in the church have been and are still affected by that practice. I have an entire document about polygamy and its hurtful history that I will include at the end of this document. I will share only a few quotes now to illustrate how polygamy diminished and minimalized the importance and value of women in the past and continues do to so today because these statements, doctrines and quotes were never refuted or disavowed . 

Brigham Young said at General Conference 1856: “It is frequently happening that women say they are unhappy. Men will say, “My wife, although a most excellent woman, has not seen a happy day since I took a second wife. No, not a happy day for a year, says one; and another has not seen a happy day for five years… many of them are wading through a perfect flood of tears. But the first wife will say, “It is hard, for I have lived with my husband twenty years, or thirty, and have raised a family of children for him; and it is a great trial to me for him to have more women.” Then I say it is time that you gave him up to other women who will bear children. If my wife had borne me all the children that she ever would bare, the celestial law would teach me to take young women that would have children.” Brigham then told the women he would release them from their husbands, release them to leave the Territory. But if they chose to stay, “you must bow down to it, and submit yourselves to the celestial law. Remember that I will not hear any more of this whining!”

Two more quotes from Brigham Young regarding a mans’ wives: “Never love them so but that you can leave them at a moment’s warning without shedding a tear.” He also said that when his wives “got tired he could take them home and change them for fresh ones.”

The way Brigham Young, a Prophet of God, spoke of women, hurts my heart in a way I can’t adequately describe. But sadly, he is not the only leader of this church to make painful statements that have never been addressed, disavowed or refuted. I won’t delve into my feelings about how Joseph Smith treated women during the initial phases of polygamy during the Restoration. I will just say that I can’t reconcile in my mind how Joseph could be a good man, receiving revelation and restoring the gospel while simultaneously marrying and sleeping with other women behind his wife’s back and clearly against her wishes- and doing so in the name of God. The deceit and heartache surrounding Joseph Smith’s polygamy is well documented and clear and I don’t know how to make peace with it. I’ve prayed for years to find some measure of acceptance, peace or understanding around this topic but none has ever come. 

Other Prophets and Apostles have more to say about polygamy:

“Some people have supposed that the doctrine of plural marriage was a sort of superfluity, or nonessential to the salvation or exaltation of mankind. In other words, some of the Saints have said, and believe, that a man with one wife, sealed to him by the authority of the Priesthood for time and eternity, will receive an exaltation as great and glorious, if he is faithful, as he possibly could with more than one. I want here to enter my solemn protest against this idea, for I know it is false. There is no blessing promised except upon conditions, and no blessing can be obtained by mankind except by faithful compliance with the conditions, or law, upon which the same is promised. The marriage of one woman to a man for time and eternity by the sealing power, according to the law of God, is a fulfillment of celestial law of marriage in part- and is good so far as it goes- and so far as a man abides these conditions of the law, he will receive his reward therefore, and this reward or blessing- he could not obtain on any other grounds or conditions. But this is only the beginning of the law, not the whole of it. Therefore, whoever has imagined that he could obtain the fullness of the blessing pertaining to this celestial law, by complying with only a portion of its conditions, has deceived himself. He cannot do it.”

Joseph F Smith- Journal of Discourses

“You might as well deny Mormonism, and turn away from it, as to oppose the plurality of wives.”

Heber C Kimball

“If plural marriage had served no other purpose than to sift the chaff from the wheat, than to keep the unstable and semi-faithful people from the fullness of gospel blessings, it would have been more than justified.”

*Elder Bruce R. McConkie

“If the Father of these spirits (Heavenly Father)… had secured to himself, through the everlasting covenant of marriage, many wives, as the prophet David did in our world, the period required to people a world would be shorter, within certain limits, in proportion to the number of wives. For instance, if it required one hundred thousand million of years to people a world like this, as above stated, it is evident that , with a hundred wives, this period would be reduced to only one thousand million of years. Therefore, a Father, with these facilities, could increase his kingdoms with his own children, in a hundred fold ratio above that of another who had secured to himself one wife.”

*Orson Pratt:

These incredibly painful statements (and many others) and D&C 132 have never been disavowed or clarified by the church. As far as I know and can find in chruch resources, those statements are still in effect as far as polygamy being required for the highest degree of glory. If they weren’t, you’d think you could find even ONE statement saying otherwise. No such statement has been made that I can find. That seems like a HUGE thing not to address if those earlier quotes are not correct. In fact, while we don’t practice polygamy now, we do absolutely allow for it in heaven under our current temple sealing practicies. I wish I could share the countless stories of LDS women who have been hurt by these sealing practices. Women write of being scared to die because her husband might be sealed to another woman for all eternity and she has no power to stop it. Widowed women find that LDS men do not want to take them as wives because what man wants to spend his entire earth life with a woman who will just be turned over to another man in heaven? The stories from women who have been affected by these policies are heartbreaking and yet the policies and statements stand to this day.

The past treatment of women in scripture, history and policy needs to be addressed. I also think the messages given to women in our temples needs to be addressed and clarified as well. I am very happy that there have been some small and slow changes in the temple but it hurts my heart to know that women were asked to “obey” their husbands and told to “give themselves” to their husbands while husbands only received their wives and did not give themselves back. Is that due to polygamy in heaven? I guess men can’t fully “give themselves” to their wife if they have many wives. What other reason would there be for such words?  Why did women need to veil their faces before they could pray (and currently only men can say the temple prayer). Why was a woman ordained to be a “Priestess” to her husband while her husband was ordained straight to God. Why were women only allowed access to God and the Savior THROUGH their husbands and could have no personal connection to them or dialogue with them in the temple, unless through their husbands?  Can we discuss what kind of message that gave to women? Can we please be given any sort of clarification of why that was done? 

Also where do I fit in as a woman in the temple? Everytime I go to the endowment session in the temple, I am shown that women had NO part in creating anything, including the first human beings. I always thought creation was the main role specific to my gender. While men have the Priesthood and all the responsibilities that come with that, women have the role of creation/motherhood. The men can’t have the babies and the women can’t have the Priesthood. I used to understand that. But in the temple, women have been so far removed from the creation process! It makes me feel inferior and invalidated in my role to not be included when it mattered most.  

Outside of the temple, there are many other areas where women’s roles have been diminished. You can actually find in church history when the Relief Society was officially taken out of the hands of the women (where Joseph Smith originally placed it). The budget was taken out of their hands, they could not call their own counselors, they could not have control over their own lessons and manuals, they lost the R.S. magazine, they lost ownership of their singularly female enterprise of the church Wheat Program. Women were originally allowed to perform healing blessings. Joseph Smith taught them that practice. Women’s participation in healing blessings declined in the early 20th century as church leaders decided it was preferable to follow the New Testament directive to “call for the Elders.” In 1926, President Heber J. Grant affirmed that the church no longer encouraged sisters to administer to the sick. The current church Handbook now says that only the Melchizedek priesthood holders can do so. 

Women weren’t even allowed to pray in General Conference until 2013. The ratio of talks from men in General Conference far outweighs those given by women. Women weren’t allowed to pray in their own chapels in sacrament meeting until the late 70’s. Women were  not allowed to check recommends at the front temple desk until just recently. 

A woman that I admire deeply, Cynthia Winward, compiled a list that showcases many of the things that women in this church DON’T get to do. I would like to share that list now. Please consider what kind of message this list sends to women and girls. I would encourage you to sincerely ask yourself if this list should make the women and girls of this church feel loved and valued.

Cynthia Winwards list:

Let’s start with the obvious list where women and girls are ineligible due to ordination: Women do not get to serve as a bishop, bishopric counselor, patriarch, stake president, stake counselor, high councilor, temple president, temple sealer, district president, area authority, general authority, apostle, or ccc. 

Now to the ever larger list of duties and callings that ‘women don’t get’ despite ordination NOT being requisite: 

• Girls do not get to prepare the sacrament, nor pass the sacrament, despite neither of these duties being listed in Doctrine and Covenants 20 as Aaronic priesthood duties. For that matter, girls do not even get a section detailing their responsibilities in scripture.
• Girls do not get any parallel responsibility at age 11, unlike boys get when they’re ordained. That is a large and embarrassing blank for teenage girls in the organization.
• Girls also do not get to collect fast offerings. 

Now for women:

• Women do not get to extend any callings to girls or women.
• Women do not get to have stewardship over boys after age 11. 
• Women do not get to issue temple recommends, even to young girls they may have stewardship over in their Young Women’s organizations.
• Women do not get to help in ward boundary changes.  Wards are always aligned by the number of Melchizedek priesthood holders. (Sidenote: According to the Church handbook, 180 full-tithe paying men are required to create a stake, and 1 full-tithe paying man per 20 other ward members to create a ward, with a minimum of 20 men. For a branch, the handbook states that four full-tithe paying men are needed to also create a branch. Number of women required to form a branch, ward, or stake? Zero. If no women existed in a stake, it could still exist.)
• Women do not get any control of church funds. A woman is not allowed to determine budgets, nor count tithing, nor reimburse other women for Relief Society, Young Women, or Primary expenses.
• Women do not get to serve as a ward mission leader. Even though this calling has become optional, still only men can serve if a bishop chooses to fill it. Optional means it may or may not be needed, so why can’t a woman be a ward mission leader? Most likely because women can’t supervise other men. The one exception is that a primary president is allowed to supervise men (sort of) so maybe that’s not the reason either?
• Women do not get to serve as a ward temple and family history leader. Just as with the ward mission leader calling, this is also optional now, but even so, women are not allowed if a bishop chooses to fill it. It can be unfilled, or it can be filled by a man.
• Women do not get to serve as clerks of any kind. Not as a ward clerk, stake clerk, membership clerk, financial clerk, executive secretaries, etc.,despite a clerk never being required to lay his hands on a person’s head and exercise priesthood authority as part of that calling.
• Women do not get to serve in Sunday School presidencies. (Yes, there are rare exceptions where women can be the secretary. Apparently a woman taking notes and handing out rolls is female-appropriate in some wards.)
• Women do not get to officiate nor pray in a temple endowment session.
• Women do not get to decide if a woman has access to saving ordinances. Every temple recommend ever issued to her was done so because a man approved her.
• Women do not get to determine a woman’s “worthiness”. 
• Women are not allowed to hear, help, or discuss another woman’s sins with her, nor help her, or counsel her through the repentance process, including and especially sexual sins.
• Women do not get to interview children, youth, or other women. 
• Women do not get to judge women in a membership council (formerly called disciplinary councils). A woman is always judged by all men.
• Women do not get to add an annotation to a member’s record nor can they remove one.
• Women do not get to hold their baby during a baby blessing. (A few exceptions have occurred but these are anomalies and not the rule.)
• Women do not get to choose their Relief Society president despite this being a women’s organization that only serves women. In the early days of the church the Relief Society president was elected by other women. 
• Women do not get final say as a Relief Society president to approve food orders and all other welfare expenditures.
• Women do not get to approve the yearly primary program. She can write it, teach it to the children, but only a man can approve, or disapprove, what she’s written.
• Women do not get to preside at meetings. If a male priesthood leader is present it will almost always be announced that he is the one presiding.
• Women do not get to perform civil weddings in LDS Church buildings.
• Women do not get to conduct funerals in LDS Church buildings. 
• Women do not get to conduct baptisms.
• Women do not get to conduct sacrament meetings or stake conferences.
• Women do not get to approve musical numbers for sacrament meeting.
• Women do not get to be consulted as to who could be potential new bishops or stake presidents.
• Women do not get to name church units. Every ward name, and stake name was chosen by a man.
• Women do not get to choose the color and decor of new church buildings. (Usually the stake president makes the choice.)
• Women did not get to help write The Family: A Proclamation to the World in 1995. It has had zero revisions since then, despite the exclusion of women in the writing process, yet it is still held up as the leading document on families over 25 years later. (The document itself says men and women work together as “equal partners” but I suppose not equal enough for women to have a seat at the table for the discussion about that “partnership.)” 
• Women do not get to decide to cancel church (for weather, catastrophe, viral outbreaks, etc.).
• Living women do not get to be sealed to more than one spouse. There is no limit to how many times a man, living or dead, can be sealed. Five times? Ten times? No limit.
• Lastly, women do not get to fix any of these inequalities. Every change for the betterment of women that has occurred is because a man decided to change it. Quite literally, women are at the mercy of men wanting and instituting change. May the men who lead us want more for the women as well. (End of Cynthia Winward’s list)

Men are clearly in control in this church, while women are auxiliary. There is an obvious hierarchy that speaks of the power position and the subordinate position regarding men and women and their corresponding roles and value. I think the men in this church DO love women so why can’t they see that we can do better! I love the quote from the book The Ghost of Eternal Polygamy which says “We may say that we love women, but what we mean is we love their service, we want their sacrifice. We don’t want their wholeness and their perspectives and their humanity.”

Men, please SEE the women you love! Please sincerely think how you might feel if the tables were turned and somehow every blessing and role given to men was instead given to women. How would you feel? Would you feel loved, valued and respected? As I have pondered these questions this year, it broke my heart to wonder if I would be able to truly feel God’s love for me as His daughter if I left this church. How can that even be a question in my heart?! How could I feel like it might be possible to be closer to the Savior outside of the church where I constantly see the disparities between men and women?

I do not believe there has EVER been a better champion of women than the Savior, Jesus Christ. His life and actions exemplified His perfect love for women. He took the patriarchal and sexist rules of His day concerning women and threw them out the window. The leaders of the church in that day, the Sadducees and Pharisees, were deeply bothered to see the ways the Savior included and treated women. I can’t say how much peace comes to my heart knowing it was a woman, the woman at the well, to whom the Savior first told of His divine mission. It was a woman, Mary, to whom the Savior first came following his Resurrection. Clearly, Jesus felt that women had value and were allowed to be a part of the most important discussions, conversations and events. 

I do not believe this church treats women in that way now. Somewhere down the line, women have been removed from all the most important discussions, conversations and events. We no longer have a seat at the table. Why? If the Savior felt that was the correct way to treat women, why did the men of this church choose a different approach? I thought our leaders taught to always follow the Savior and His perfect example. The above list clearly shows how little power we have and I don’t believe the leaders of the church can truly say they love, respect and value women as long as things continue to work the way they do now. No amount of beautiful talks telling us women that we are loved and valued will make up for the actions that show otherwise. 

Thousands of women in the history of the church have pleaded to be seen, valued and loved in more meaningful ways. Unfortunately the accounts of the letters they have written and the conversations they have had have not gone well. Some women were actually excommunicated because they tried to find ways to solve this problem. There are stories and accounts of women in “leadership” positions in the church who went to the General Authorities to discuss these disparities and to ask why they were not allowed to have a seat at the table for important decisions and discussions. They were sharply chastised for feeling that way and for asking those questions- and it broke their hearts. Please see the accounts of Belle Spafford and Barbara Smith, both General Relief Society Presidents of the church, about their heartbreaking experiences trying to talk to the Brethren about these issues. Thousands of women who were not in leadership positions have had the same experience. 

I have often wondered what would happen if every woman (and sympathetic man who loves them) who is pained by these things took a collective and obvious step back until the leaders take notice. Not because we want to leave the church, but because SOMETHING needs to happen. Kind of like a Rosa Parks moment where we refuse to give up our seats at the table. I think the leaders of the church are perfectly comfortable in their place of power (given to men by men and for men) and I don’t see them willingly giving that up unless they had a valid reason to search for a better plan. Clearly letters and conversations in the past have had little effect. What would the church do if half the women who work so hard in Primary, Young Women’s and every other calling just didn’t show up? What if General and local leaders could no longer count on the sacrifices and service of thousands of women while we ask them to consider these issues and make meaningful change? I would be willing to do hard and uncomfortable things to help facilitate change, but it pains my heart that a drastic plan like this might be the only way the leaders in charge might even acknowledge this issue. So again I’ll ask, does God love women as much as men, and if so why doesn’t the church reflect that?

Lastly, I’d like to address my future as a woman in this church. I am trying SO hard to stay, to make this a better place for my daughters, to feel the Savior’s love and to believe that God loves me. That feels like a large hurdle right now due to everything I mentioned above. However, it doesn’t stop there. IF I am able to reconcile all the hard things concerning women in this church and endure to the end, I have such fear in my heart that I may show up to my eternal “reward” in Heaven where my husband might have multiple wives forever and I become like our silent Heavenly Mother who has no place in my children’s earthly lives. I am failing to see how that is a reward. I personally chose to believe that my Heavenly Mother IS an active part of my life. Yet there is NO explanation about why we can’t speak to Her in prayer when we talk to Heavenly Father. How does it diminish our Father to include Her in our prayers? Is prayer part of a priesthood ordinance that excludes women (Heavenly Mother) or is this just one more thing on the list of things women can’t do or be a part of for no particular reason? Can you imagine if earthly parents demanded that their children only speak to their fathers? Can you imagine if earthly families decided that mothers should have no discernible relationship or ability to nurture or comfort their children in ways the children could feel or see? Why is that the way of heaven? According to the family proclamation, my primary role as a mother is the nurture of my children, yet for some reason that role is taken from Heavenly Mother and given to Heavenly Father. What,then, is the role of Heavenly Mother? Does she have a place or role at all?  Why are we told not to speak of Her? A current member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles told my husband we are not to speak of Her out of respect. That good man clearly hasn’t read the church sponsored study called: “A Mother There: A Survey of Historical Teachings about Mother in Heaven”- which is cited on the church website. The “don’t-speak-of-Her-out-of-respect” adage has no basis in historical truth. Yet, Heavenly Mother is not a part of our lives in any sort of way that helps us to develop a relationship with Her, like we do our Father in Heaven. We are taught nothing about Her and even cautioned in General Conference to not even speculate about Her. She seems absolutely closed off to us and excluded in almost everything. Is that the future I have to look forward to? Is that my eternal “reward” for enduring to the end? How is an eternal life where I possibly share my husband with multiple women and become like my silent Heavenly Mother a reward worth striving for? 

Pondering these (and many other) questions this past year has proved to be the most excruciating, painful experience of my life. Wanting to be loved and valued is the most basic human need. I want so badly for God to love me as much as His sons. I can not comprehend how or why this is the way of things. I hope so badly that it’s NOT God’s way and that imperfect men have made these choices and decisions. I just haven’t yet figured out how to be a part of a church where I have to choose to love myself less in order to not be hurt by these things. I suppose if I love myself less and love my daughters less then it won’t be so upsetting that God or man loves us less as well. And that hurts.